“Beauty and affliction are the only two things that can pierce our hearts.” - Simon Weil

“Because this is so true, we must have a measure of beauty in our lives proportionate to our affliction … No, more, much more. Is not this God’s prescription for us? Just take a look around. The sights and sounds, the aromas and sensations – the world is overflowing with beauty. God seems to be rather enamored with it. Gloriously wasteful. Apparently, He feels that there ought to be plenty of it in our lives.

Our experience of beauty transcends our ability to speak about it, for its magic lies beyond the power of words.

Beauty … heals, stirs us, moves and inspires. Lift any obstacle you may have to filling your life with greater and greater amounts of beauty.

Beauty is the closest thing we have to fullness without “possessing” on this side of eternity. Perhaps that is why it is so healing - beauty is pure gift.”

John Eldredge

A Father’s Gift

Tonight, I was walking home and feeling kinda sad…I didn’t know why and I knew that I didn’t know, so wasn’t seeking a reason behind the season. Pretty much because, being a woman, I know how fickle our emotions can be and knew that there was no real cause, other than the cycle of emotion that humans are prone to being caught up in.

So, knowing all this, I was trying to simply say, “NO!” to that sadness.
Listening to Christian music on my MP3 player, I was focusing my energies on thinking about Jesus and His goodness.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8)

Still struggling, my eyes suddenly turned upward, towards the night sky, and I was struck by the beautiful deep blue colour of the heavens by night.

God often shows His beauty to me through the sky and I feel that this is His way of romancing me, knowing how much I appreciate, and adore, this aspect of His creation.

Looking at the sky tonight, my eyes searched for the luminescent moon, a sight that never fails to speak into my heart how deep God’s beauty is. I couldn’t see it, and then realised that it was hidden by clouds.

At that moment….a thought came to me out of nowhere…or from somewhere (dare you to believe it was from above!): “Just because you can’t see God, it doesn’t mean He isn’t there.”

On the contrary, throughout His Word, He promises time and time again that He is always with us and will never leave us. (Joshua 1:5)

Thinking about this, and listening to a favourite song of mine, “In You,” I focused on the lyrics as I gazed up at the sky:

“So close I believe,

you’re holding me now,

in your arms I belong,

you’ll never let me go…”

I walked on a little further, and after a minute or two, I realised that my heart felt light and that God’s peace was upon me. At that same moment, I looked up…

And there above me shone the moon, in all of its brilliant glory, pale yellow, yet shining so bright, a beacon of God’s love.

And a Scripture came into my heart at that moment:

“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.” (John 14:18)

It’s funny how our whole lives are comsumed with needs (and wants), and it’s funny, too, how so many people will sing songs about money and how awful it is, yet assert that it is, in fact, necessary for life, as we all well know.

I came home last night and nearly cried out of thankfulness. My room mate, Kat, had left a 10,000 yen bill on my desk as a parting gift (she’d left for Canada that day, to study at university or college). I was so overwhelmed, both by her generosity and by the heart behind her giving spirit, at the centre of which is Jesus. Given that He was the “root cause”, so to speak, of that occurence, I was inevitably also grateful to God, for providing for me in a time of need.

Now, I really shouldn’t be too much in need, given that, according to past blog entries, I work a full time job, right? Wrong. I worked a full-time job.

What now???

Let me go back the beginning point of all of this, to the seed of thought that instigated a change:

There’s a famous story in the Bible. Christians and non-Christians alike will probably be familiar with the story of how Jesus walked on water. A slightly lesser-known story, perhaps, is that of Peter (one of Jesus’ dsiciples) walking on the water. Jesus was the Son of God, so it was probably a ‘walk in the park’ for Him to set foot on the precarious waves, strolling out to His boat. He had total and utter faith in His Father and God.

But Peter, while a magnificent man, was a flawed human, just like us, and was renowned for his perpetual doubt. He believed in the words of Jesus when his Master told him to step out of the boat (bear in mind that this boat was currently out in the the middle of a lake!!) and come to Him. He stepped out onto the waves. Now, how awesome is that??

But…when Peter doubted, he began to sink, at which point Jesus told him (as He time and time again told the masses of people that listened to him speak during His time on earth) to HAVE FAITH!!

God gave me a theme phrase for this year: RELY ON ME! (“Me” being God). I was busy in the last half of last year, I was quite stressed at times and was learning gradually to lean on God and to turn to Him for strength. But with the hours I was spending at my job along with the stuff that I was doing for various teams in Church, I was still incredibly busy. Something had to give. And it wasn’t going to be Church.

I decided to take a leaf out of Peter’s book.

I quit my job.

Not the most logical thing to do in the midst of a world economic crisis, at least not from a pragmatic, seeing-is-believing point of view. The good thing is, I don’t subscirbe to that viewpoint. Furthermore, at this stage, God had already opened a door for me to work, part-time, at Waves English School, which was started by Jesus Lifehouse.

I’ve just started and I LOVE it!!!

Though the job is not enough money to live off, I know that God will provide for me. I am currently looking for a job, and am not at all worried. Rather, I find myself effortlessly sliding into a typically Kiwi state of mind: “She’ll be right.”

Because I know it will…He promised me it would be. And a girl always trusts the promises of her Daddy.

Anyway, I can’t talk about all of it because it would take so much time to describe how awesome each day of my life is, but I really feel compelled to share about how incredibly happy I am. I was talking to my roommate the other day, about how we can become so easily frustrated with God, particularly when something in our life doesn’t necessarily go the way that we would want it to. In this anger, we forget about all the good things that we have in life, and how amazingly God has blessed us. I tried to sum up my life when I was talking to Kat, one of my roomie’s, the other night, in just a few sentences, and all the things that came out of my mouth were such obvious reasons to praise God!! I am blessed in ABUNDANCE with amazing friends, more than I can handle, almost, because they are all so loving and attentive!!!  I live in a lovley, big old house, next to a Beautiful River, in a peaceful area that is not too far from central Tokyo!!! I have a great job, and amazing students, who are just so sweet and simultaneously, hilarious!! (Teaching English!! I tell ya!! It is, by definition, amusing!!) I have an AMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING Church that I just love so much and can’t get enough of!! And, despite life’s little worries and fleetings moments of emotionally-charged woe, that pass quickly through God’s help and through the fact that they’re just not worth worrying about, I am NEVER truly worried!! It’s a waste of time and it even says in the Bible that there’s no point worrying about tomorrow!!　Probably says it in a pop song or two also, and Bob Marley sang about it, too…but I can tell you which source has been around for longer!!! The Word of God is SO amazing!! So many people may view it as a ‘Bad Book’, a set of rules, or a list of constraints, a way to make life less fun. The Bible is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of boring and, rather than finding it full of rules, I’ve found that it is FULL of AWESOME advice!! For anything!!! Problems with co-workers, or with work in general, relationship problems – either familial or in a romantic sense – problems that come BEFORE a relationship has even started (as in, you like THAT guy, but how do you deal with the situation or know if it’s right!!!) – it’s AWESOME!! God, through His Word, has given me so much strength to deal with every worry!!!! I don’t need to think too much about or overanalyse anything (a BIG relief for any woman!!), and just enjoy the feeling of freedom that comes from knowing that GOD is in charge!!!

I just want to share a story from my life that speaks of God’s amazing strength in a situation that is far from everyday. A few months ago, a family friend in NZ took his life. He was a wonderful man, with a Beautiful, Amazing wife and three Amazing daughters. Hearing the news, my first reaction was one of shock and I was actually pretty numb, not even upset, because it didn’t register, and it was in NZ, which is so far away from Japan that it didn’t really feel real.

Then I called my parents.

And they were quiet, but composed. Speaking to my father, a strong Christian, I told him that I believed, deep in my heart, that this man who had passed away was in Heaven.

I believe this because Our God is a loving and compassionate God, not a rigid God of rules, but a personal God who sent His Son Jesus, to BE us, to die for us and to LIVE amongst us so that He could return to Heaven as a representative for us, kind-of like our own Personal Ambassador in Heaven. For that reason, He knows our pain and struggles. This family friend had been dealing with depression and stress for quite some time prior to his death. Jesus KNOWS what it’s like to be us, to live as humans, and he understands our pain. So I think that God examines the circumstances of our lives and doesn’t judge us coldly. I believe that with all of my heart.

When I told my Dad this, that I believed that this dearly beloved friend had gone to be with God, my father broke down and started crying and that was when it really hit me that I was very far, physically, from my parents, during this very difficult time. I felt really sad after that and on the train on the way home, I broke down and was just bawling (the people around me were a bit uncomfortable, I think….). I didn’t really talk much to God about it either. I said that I knew He was with me, but wasn’t bringing myself to Him, so was left feeling extremely sad and depressed.

The next day, I was in Starbucks and was feeling pretty numb still and quite…grey, is probably a good word to describe it. I was reading my Bible and decided to just ask God about it…I’d been lucky enough to be working with a Christian co-worker at Ikebukuro Berlitz earlier in the day and had told her about how I’d been feeling and she’d told me to just ask Him questions and basically have it out with Him…so I did. I cried and asked Him why I was far from my family and why this had happened. He responded. Not with the answers I’d been demanding, but with words that were more than enough and, as is so perfectly God, all that I needed to hear:

“I’m with you.”

Hearing these words, I believed them and surrended myself to His love, and at that moment, I felt such peace and joy and I could feel invisible arms holding me…with my eyes closed, not distracted  by what they could  (visibly) perceive, I was locked in the embrace of a physical, tangible Father.

That occurence was actually some months ago now, but it’s still so fresh and clear in my mind, the comfort of a Heavenly Father, when my own father was physically out-of-reach.

That’s one of the most awesome things about God….He will never leave us nor forsake us (Joshua 1:5). The old Church hymns call Him, “omnipresent,”…in words that I know, He’s right by me, everyday, all day….24/7!!

Hope this story strengthens you.

Love and God bless,

Nicky xxoo

Hooray!! I’ve been wanting to write about SO many awesome things for AGES, but my BELOVED computer has been playing it’s favourite game ALL week…I call it the Silly Stubborn Computer Game….I’d explain, but the name really represents itself!!! (“I won’t turn on, I WON’T, I WON’T” – quote of the week, Nicky’s computer!)

Anyway, so, something really hit me last week, smack in the face and it made me really sad and also really fiery and passionate, cos this thing, this realisation, made my desire to impact for change even STRONGER!!! So, I’m going to tell you what it was, this thing that hit me.

The other day, in my class of uni girls, we were studying personality, and I asked them to write five things that they liked about themselves, and they really struggled. It made me quite sad, and I realised how little understanding these Precious Girls have of the TRUTH that they are Princesses!! I tell them all the time, and they smile and want to believe, but many just can’t.

BUT….the good news is….I have been privileged to be their teacher, and I truly feel that, through teaching them and encouraging them, I can help them to see their own worth, and hopefully, they will be able to see how much I love myself (in a non-narcissistic way!!), because of how much JESUS loves me!!! I explained awhile ago, to some of the girls, about how I became a Christian and how God has really increased my self-esteem SOOOOO much, and many were moved and one of my Princesses, Rina-chan, even cried!!! She is soooo amazing and cute, and I really love teaching her!! She is also obsessed with High School Musical and it cracks me up…she even did a brief dance for me the other day, hahaha….was very impressed!!

Anyway…in addition to that one day (on which My Princesses struggled to write down five things that they actually liked about themselves), the other day, a couple of my Young Ladies asked me to go to class “スッピン” (suppin), which means with no make-up on. Being me, I DID put concealer under my eyes, as I didn’t want to make any children cry, hahaha…but seriously!! Anyway, concealer aside, I went to uni natural/fresh-faced. I feel so sleepy when I don’t wear mascara, but it didn’t really bother me.

In class, the girls were SO sweet and all told me that I still looked beautiful and that I didn’t need mascara, as my lashes were still long. SO kind and I thanked them a lot (another thing I’m trying to teach them…don’t say, “No, no, no…” when you receive a compliment, just say THANK-YOU!! They’re learning, too!!), then one of my Angels, Noriko, said something that broke my heart, “Gaijin no suppin ha kirei ne, nihon jin nante!!” (“Foreigners look beautiful without make-up! Stuff being Japanese!!” Or something to that effect!!)

The thing that she DIDN’T understand was that JAPANESE WOMEN TAUGHT ME TO BEAUTIFUL!! That may sound a bit odd, so let me go back to the beginning!! When I first came here, I was pretty down and stuck in a mindset of endless comparisons, comparing others’ bodies to mine, their hair, their skin, everything!!! I used to strongly resent Japanese women for their bold femininity and for the fact that they are shamelessly, undeniably WOMEN!! The make-up is often flawless, they have amazing skin, their EYES are beautiful, their hair is SO shiny (…and straight!! My uni friends in particular will understand the importance of this physical trait!!) – I was overcome with jealousy. I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin as a woman, and fought that image, seeing it as a source of weakness. To be so feminine, in my mind, equated to being weak and frail.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. Though I know my own beauty lies in my heart and it’s manifestation in the way that I speak, act, and hold myself, I have also come to understand that expertly-applied eyeliner, prettily decorated fingernails, and high heels on a daily basis, though not so much a part of Kiwi Women’s Culture, are actually quite nice. Having learned this and learned, through God and through the environment that I’ve been blessed to be placed in (Nihon, My LOVE!!), I’ve learned to be softer and more indulgent of my own femininity!!

So, to have this Beautiful, Beautiful Young Woman (and she really is GORGEOUS!!) be sitting there, casting off her own ethnicity, believing her appearance to be inferior to that of other women, was just SO sad. I told them all that they are SO beautiful, and I will continue to tell them, every class if I can, that they are SOOOOOOOOOOO amazingly, wonderfully, stunningly, uniquely GORGEOUS, until the day that I can get them to stand up and declare that over themselves.

And YOU, reading this right now, YOU are BREATHTAKING!! You are so beautiful, and were created with so much love and care, and any negative things that you may be thinking about YOUR appearance, forget about them. You’re hot. Love it. And love yourself. Because you are LOVED.

With Beautiful Rina and Beautiful Yuriko at English Club!

Atomi 2nd Year Students/Princesses!

More 2nd Year Atomi Students/Princesses

Beautiful Japanese Girls at Sarah and Shinsuke

Comfortable in our Own Skin: Eri and Nicky!

Even MORE Beautiful Atomi Students/Princesses

Purity, Confidence, BEAUTY: Na-chan and Yoppy!!